How big is Abigail?

Soooooo big!

When life gives you lemons...

...suck on 'em!

10 months

Hi! Have you missed me?

Things have been crazy over here. Life with a 10 month old is exhausting - even more so than than it was when Abby was a newborn. She's crawling, pulling up, exploring, and is quite vocal about her demands. No longer content to just sit in her Bumbo and chew on a toy, she requires constant entertainment. Add the recent time change to the mix? Yeah, Mama's tired.

Getting ready for work in the morning has become a daily battle. Usually we're up by 5am, have a bottle / nurse, and then it's operation Destroy The Bedroom. First mission: attempt to insert finger into electrical outlet. Then it's straight for the trash can to fish for some papers and q-tips, followed by a nice game of "pull all the books out of the bookcase." I know I could really lock down the house, put up bumpers on all the furniture, etc. but the thing is, eventually we'll go somewhere that's not babyproofed. I'd rather just attempt to teach her what's appropriate to play with and risk some minor bumps and bruises now. Plus, I'm just a glutton for punishment. Also? Bumpers on furniture are ugly.

Don't get me wrong; I've taken some basic safety precautions. I've plugged up the outlets and plan to get locks for cabinets that contain dangerous chemicals. But I'm not going to line the house with feather pillows.

I'm having a really hard time with just how quickly this year has gone by. In less than two months Abby will be a year old, and that just blows my mind. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to the early weeks when she was so tiny and helpless and I have to fight back tears. I think this feeling is compounded by the fact that we're slowly weaning. I had no idea how much I would miss breastfeeding my baby. The closeness and bonding that I experienced while nursing Abigail is almost indescribable, and I'm sad to see that aspect of our relationship go away.

Wow, do I sound sappy or what? Sorry about that.

Yes, 10 months is exhausting, and yes, I do miss the baby days, but this is also the most fun age ever. When she figures out a new trick she just beams with pride and gives me a big toothy grin. She cracks up when I sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her and tickle her belly. Watching her explore and learn and grow is just the most amazing and rewarding experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Missing her

My baby girl is sleeping at her father's house tonight and I am miserable.

I don't have anything more to say.

The hits just keep on comin'

Today Abby had an eye appointment to assess her progress with the patch and re-evaluate her post-op situation.

First, the good news. The patch is really helping to strengthen the vision in her left eye. Also, since the surgery, her "tilt" (torticollis) is really improving. Excellent!

Now for the not so good news... Abby will need surgery to correct the placement of her eye. I don't totally understand the details, and will be calling the doctor for clarification tomorrow, but the bottom line is that she will need to undergo an outpatient surgery under anesthesia.

It could be worse. It could be a hell of a lot better, but... all things considered, it could be worse. So now I guess now we'll just soldier on and hope for the best.

Sigh.

Abby Overload

Katie made this lovely video montage of Abby during her visit. Six minutes of ridiculous cuteness! You can really see how well Abigail is recovering here. Thank you Katie!

Sunday at the pumpkin patch, and other assorted bits and pieces

Well, things are getting back to normal around here after Abby's surgery. It feels weird to not have this big scary event looming ahead. I'm still kind of reeling from all the stress and emotion of the past few months, but I'm so glad the worst is behind us.

My friend Katie was here last week, and having her around was wonderful. She can make me laugh like nobody else. It was just what we needed.
Of course Abby loves her Aunt Katie to death, and my dog Lily is still moping around the house wondering where her playmate went. It goes without saying that I miss her too. Hopefully we'll be able to go down to Florida early next year to visit Katie as well as Abby's Great Grandparents, who live in the same town.

Yesterday we had breakfast at Nonny's house, which was great. All the kids were so good with Abby, offering her their toys and making her smile. Conrad cooked a delicious meal, and it was really nice have some "family time" with Abby.

Today was so beautiful, we just had to get out to the pumpkin patch. Katie bought Abby a great little pumpkin hat, perfect for the occasion. Along with her "Mummy loves me" t-shirt, we were dressed for the season.


Tomorrow Abby goes back to daycare and my half-days at work are over. I'm nervous about sending her back. It almost feels like the first day I dropped her off, and I'm sure there will be some tears tomorrow. I know her teachers will take extra special care of her, but it's still hard to send her off.

Photo Time

One of my best friends in the whole world is here visiting me this week, so I don't have time to write a lot here. Katie is such an amazing photographer, though; I just had to share....

Race for the Cure

About a year and a half ago I got a phone call from my mom. We chat all the time, so I was just expecting the usual banter about our dogs, friends, life, etc. But this call was different. She called to tell me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to break that news to me over the phone, and when she told me, it was like the wind was knocked out of me. I crumpled up into a ball on the couch and cried.

A few weeks later she had her right breast removed. My mom is so amazing; I remember walking into her hospital room only hours after the operation to see her sitting up in bed smiling, so happy to see me.

Shortly after that, my mom began chemotherapy. That was when it all became very real to me. She has always been a strong, active woman, but the drugs sapped her energy. I went back home to be there with her for a chemo session, and seeing her hooked up to an IV drip of poison, exhausted and weak, broke my heart. When her hair began falling out in clumps, rather than sit and wait for it all to come out, she shaved it off. We celebrated her strength with champagne and tears.

Even though she had a gorgeous wig that looked fabulous on her, Mom opted to go around bare-headed most of the time. I'm sure it made some people feel uncomfortable... Oh, that poor woman has CANCER. But it made me so proud to see her hold her bare head up high, looking the world directly in the eye and saying, "yeah, I have cancer. So what?"

Mom is healthy now. Last year I walked by her side in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Baltimore. I was about six months pregnant, so I like to joke that I was "waddling slowly towards the cure."


This year my mom is once again organizing a team, but unfortunately I can't join her on the walk. Please consider donating to her team. She says it better than I could:

October 14th is just around the corner and I'm shamelessly soliciting for donations to Komen Race for the Cure. Last year was a crazy one for my family, friends and myself. I'm happy to report that I'm cancer free and life is beautiful. Of course, there are so many, too many, who are just learning of their own cancer or in the throes of it all. Komen's research has been working hard and making progress in discovering new ways to eradicate this disease. I met with an extremely bright researcher from Texas last week and there is so much good being done on the cellular, molecular and other levels that it is theirs(and mine) extreme hope that this disease will be something that our daughters and our granddaughters will never have to face. Please consider donating again this year to the Komen Race... Thanks in advance, Kathy and all of "Team Ciambruschini"

Phoning it in

Hey, why write a real post when I can put up a video of my child eating banana puffs?



I went back to work for a half day today and I'm tired. Working 4 hours will wear a person out. I promise; more dragons tomorrow.

Clarification

This blog is about my life with Abigail.

I intentionally choose not to write about her father on this site. That is not a reflection of his involvement in her life; rather, it is a reflection of my desire to keep this aspect of our lives private. It is our personal business. Please respect that. If you have a problem with what I write about or don't write about on my website, please take it up with me directly or feel free to click the red X at the top right corner of your screen.

Back in action

During a break in the rain, Grammy and I decided to take Abby out to the backyard for a little swinging time. She had a blast, and as you can see, is feeling much better.



I don't know why the video quality is so bad. It looked fine until I uploaded it to YouTube. Anyway, you get the idea...

Feeling much better

So.... do you like my new hairstyle?


Today was our first full day at home. Things are going great and Abigail continues to get better and better by the hour. The wound is still pretty startling to see, but thankfully the swelling has gone down a lot. You can tell she's still swollen when you kiss her forehead; instead of being firm it's kind of mushy and soft. Every night I give her a bath - cleaning the incision with gentle soap, letting it dry, then applying Bacitracin. Then I give her hair a fancy little spike. I think it draws attention away from her boo-boo.

We went to go visit Abby's daycare today. Her teachers were so happy to see her up and about. One of the administrators has really taken a liking to Abigail (can you blame her?) and called to check up on us almost every day we were in the hospital. The support and prayers we've received from friends, family, and complete strangers has been incredible. Not to sound too sentimental, but the thoughtfulness and kindness we've seen really does sort of renew my faith in people. Thank you all.

We will continue to rest and heal at home for another week or so. We have a follow-up appointment on Oct. 4, and I'm hoping we'll get the green light to resume all normal activities.

Going Home!

In lieu of a real post, I give you a pictorial timeline of our stay in the hospital from Saturday - Tuesday.

Saturday afternoon:

This was taken Saturday afternoon once we had moved out of the PICU and into the regular hospital room. It shows the height of the swelling and still disturbs me to look at.

Sunday:

The swelling is still pretty severe here, but it's a definite improvement. Her little green frog lovey was with her the whole time.

Monday:
The bandages are off! I think that's a little half-smile there.

The catheter was out by the time this picture was taken, but she still had 3 IV lines in (jugular, wrist, and foot), plus electrodes on her belly and an O₂ monitor on her toe that made her glow red. My mom called it her E.T. toe.

Acting much more like herself here. It is amazing how quickly the swelling came on and then went away.

Tuesday:

All lines are out and we're ready to go home!

Day 2

We're still in the PICU, but Abby is doing great. She will probably be moved to her regular hospital room this afternoon. I was able to breastfeed her early this morning, which was a little scary with all the IV lines and tubes and electrodes. The swelling has gotten pretty severe, but evidently the worst is yet to come.


I am beyond tired. I spent last night in the chair in Abby's room, never sleeping for more than an hour or so at a time. I am going to need to sleep soon; I can't keep up my strength like this.

Breathe

Well, the surgery is over and Abigail did great. It took about 6 hours from the time they put the IV lines in until I could see her in recovery. I don't have the energy to type out all the details of the day; I'll post updates as I can. I'm glad it is over. She is still in the ICU for now, resting comfortably (on lots of morphine).

Right before the surgery:


In recovery:


Finally in Mama's arms in the PICU:


More later. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

UPDATE: 2 hours later, and I've managed to get an hour or so of sleep in the super-comfy hospital "recliner." Abby also drank a little expressed breastmilk, which was great since she hadn't eaten since 3am. I really want to nurse her, but I'm afraid moving is uncomfortable for her. I want to keep her as calm and comfy as possible. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow morning.

She just had another dose of morphine and is out cold, making little sucking motions with her lips.

I have never felt relief like I did the moment the surgeon came out and said it was over and she was fine. It was like all the stress and anxiety and other emotions I'd been holding in for the last few weeks came out in a rush of joy and gratitude. Now the pendulum is swinging back the other direction, as I see her head bandaged up and watch her eyes begin to swell shut. But it's all ok. My baby girl is ok.

Now we wait

Whew. What a day.

I am sitting in my room at the lovely Residence Inn, having a beer and trying to unwind from a very stressful day. Abby is sleeping in the big king size bed, surrounded by chairs and pillows. She looks so tiny.

Our day started at 7:30 this morning. Well, to be honest, it actually started at 3 this morning, when Abby decided it would be a good time to wake up and play. I tried to get her back down, but it was clear that she was having none of it. So I just decided to go with the flow. I brought her out into the living room and piled up some of her favorite toys. Grammy joined us around 4am, and we all laid on the floor and played until about 4:45. Fun!

It was a mad rush getting everything ready to go before we left. My step-dad Pat went and got us some coffee, and Mom watched Abby while I got dressed. Then I fed Abby, got us packed, ran Lily over to doggy day care, and tried to not completely lose it. We made it out the door by 9:30 and had an uneventful, albeit LOUD, ride to Chapel Hill. Abby was exhausted but she refused to fall asleep in the car. Well... that's not entirely true. She did stop crying and close her eyes for seven minutes.

We got to the hospital at noon, found some food, and waited. And waited. Aaaaaand waited.

And then we waited some more. For 2 hours.

Here's Abby and me, the headless mannequin, waiting:


Abby was amazing the whole time, hardly fussing at all. We finally got to see the surgeon's associate, who ran us through the standard pre-op questions. Our actual surgeon came in a bit later to review any last minute questions and concerns, then it was off to the pre-op testing and education area. Where, in keeping with the theme of the day, we waited a bit more.

At this point I began to lose my patience. We had been there for hours, Abby hadn't slept, and we were all exhausted.

The last thing on our agenda was to get Abby's blood drawn. Back at the surgeon's clinic, in anticipation of the blood draw, a nurse had put some numbing cream on her arms and covered it up with a clear, sticky bandage. Bad idea. The worst part of the whole thing was not actually drawing the blood, but removing that damn bandage. It took a layer of skin with it. Nice.

4:15 and we were finally out of there. We made it back to the hotel a little before 5 and Mom gave Abby a bath with some special anti-bacterial soap. She was so tired that after a bottle and some nursing (I'm not producing enough to breastfeed her exclusively anymore), she went right to sleep.

Now I'm sitting here on this stiff, ugly couch, eating cold pizza and drinking beer out of a plastic cup. My back hurts, my head hurts, and I can't wait for this to be over.

The surgery is set for 7:30 tomorrow morning. I'll post updates as I can. In the meantime, I'm going to watch Knocked Up and try to get some sleep.

Mommy needs a valium

The surgery is in three days and I have officially started to freak out. I had a full-blown panic attack the other day, and wow... that was scary. I was laying in bed trying to sleep, when all the sudden my heart started racing, my chest felt tight, and it got hard to breathe. I had to jump out of bed and pace around the house. For some reason I was compelled to eat a banana, which somehow made me feel better. Who knows.

At any rate, I just want this thing to be over and done with. I look at Abby and think how unfair it is. I know there are a lot worse things out there, and I hate whining like this, but she is just so tiny and so innocent. She shouldn't have to go through all this. Yes, and I know she's too young to remember it. But still. I hate this. I've been trying really hard to keep it together, to not let the stress cloud my time with Abby. It's hard. Really, really hard.

On a completely different note, hello visitors from Helen's site! Nice to see you. Thank you for your kind comments and emails. It really makes me feel better knowing there are people out there thinking of us.

Comfy

Abby has learned to pull herself up into a sitting position by herself, and sometimes when she's trying to avoid falling asleep, she'll practice sitting up in her crib. Eventually she wears herself out and just flops over.

On the move

Oh my God, she crawled. Not very far, and not very well, but still.... it was a crawl.

I officially have a semi-mobile baby.

Pray for me.

UPDATE: Caught on video!



I love the wounded look she gives me when I move the wipes farther away. So mean of me. Also, you can see why her middle name is "Grace."

Visit to the Eye Doctor

I took Abby to see the eye doctor today, to assess her progress with the patch and review the doc's findings on her CT scans. The news is good! Everything is going great, which is just what I needed to hear right about now. They were pleased that she's wearing the patch for up to 6 hours a day and according to the scans, the eye muscles are attached evenly and symmetrically.

I am really encouraged by this news and can't wait to see what happens with her eye after the surgery. So great to finally get good news!

Young Democrats of America

Yesterday I was lounging around with my Mom and Abby, playing and laughing and having a good time. Abby was babbling away with her usual "dadada" and "ababab" when out of the blue she says, clear as day, "Al Gore."

My Grandfather is horrified. I'm pretty sure next time he sees her he'll be whispering "Newt Gingrich" over and over again in her ear.

Weekend Recap

Well hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it? We have had a very exciting week around here. My mom came to visit on Tuesday and just left this morning. We are certainly sad to see her go. Abby got to spend most of the week home with Grammy, getting spoiled and going on outings around town. They even came to visit me at work, which is always fun. Things will go back to normal for the next week or so until we go up to Chapel Hill for the surgery. 12 more days....

In other news, I got a very exciting new toy! I've always been a PC kind of girl, but this thing makes me want to convert to the other side. It is so well designed, so intuitive, and.... well, just so cool.

There is a tropical storm heading near us. It's cloudy, windy, and rainy out right now, and I feel like curling up on the couch and watching movies all day.

For Abby on her eight month birthday

Dear Abby,

Today you are eight months old. I can't believe that in four months we will be celebrating your first birthday! The past eight months have been some of the hardest and most wonderful of my life - bringing you home from the hospital, spending endless nights awake with you, soothing you through your colicky phase, taking you to the beach for the first time, learning that you will have to go through surgery, watching you grow and learn and become your own little individual - it's been quite a ride.

The first few weeks were tough. You were certainly a force to be reckoned with, and you refused to be put down. The swing? No way. The papasan chair? Yeah, right. All you wanted to do was nurse and cry. It was a tough transition for me, learning to put off housework and laundry and such luxuries as showering and brushing my teeth to attend to your constant demands. I think it was good for me, though. You helped me to learn how to live more in the moment, and I'm grateful for that.



When you were two months old, we went on a big trip to Maryland to meet the rest of your family. Grammy and I packed up both dogs and all of your gear (you need a lot of stuff, by the way) and headed up to Grammy and Pop-Pop's house. You did so well on the seven hour drive. I sat in the back with you and we only had to stop once to nurse.

You got to meet your Great-Grandmother Peggy, your Aunts Nancy & Kathie, and lots of friends & neighbors. Of course everyone loved you. Great Grandma Peggy thinks it's very cool that you have red hair, just like her. While we were up there, you had your first shopping trip (to Nordstrom, naturally). Afterwards, we went to visit your Great-Grandmommy and Great-Granddaddy at their house. Even though we had been out all day, you were as good as gold and showed off some of your kicking maneuvers on the floor. They are so proud of you and ask me for pictures at least once a week.

At the end of March, after three months of being with you 24 hours a day, I had to go back to work. That was really, really difficult. The first few days I left you at daycare, I cried all the way to the office. I missed you so much. I still do - the best part of my day is coming to get you in the afternoons. As soon as you see me walk in the room, you light up and smile. And then you cry for me to hurry up and pick you up.

When you were four months old, I found out that you have a birth defect called craniosynostosis and would need surgery to fix it. When I heard the news, my stomach knotted up into a tiny, hard ball of anxiety and fear. I don't think it will un-knot itself until you are safely back home in my arms, recovering from the operation. Even though I am scared, I know you will do great. You are a tough little girl and you have so many people wishing, hoping, and praying for you. Never, ever doubt that you are loved.



Your Aunt Katie came to visit when you were five months old. At first you were a little scared of her, but you quickly got over that and had a great time playing with her. She is one of my oldest, best friends in the world, and I was so happy to have you two meet each other. I was very sick with mono during her visit, and she took great care of both of us. She also took some incredible photos of you.



At the beginning of August, a major thing happened in our house: I moved you to your own room. This was a much bigger deal for me than it was for you; you immediately settled in to your own space and started sleeping through the night shortly thereafter. For the six-plus months or so leading up to this, you had been sleeping in my room, sometimes in a bassinet, sometimes in bed with me. I got really used to being close to you every night, and for the first few days after the move, I would wake up every 2-3 hours, go into your room, and lay my hand on your back to feel you breathing.

You have started babbling constantly, and will hold very long, intense conversations with your toys. You can say "dadadadadada" all day long, but haven't quite mastered "Mama" yet. Keep working on that, k?

One of your favorite things to do is blow raspberries, especially while eating.



In a couple weeks you will be having your surgery. Grammy and Pop-Pop are coming down to be with you, and your dad and I will be by your side the whole time. Auntie Jen will be there too, and your whole family will be thinking about you and praying for you. I wish more than anything that you didn't have to go through this, but you will be in good hands. I have great confidence in your surgeons, and I know in my heart that everything will be ok.

I love you, baby girl.

-Mama

Remember that time...?

...back when I said that Abby will now go down to sleep with only a whimper? Yeah, I totally jinxed myself.

She is bawling her head off right now trying to go to sleep.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

UPDATE - 30 minutes later:

Sweet dreams, Abby. Mama loves you.

Bathtime Fun with Mr. Ducky

Mmm... Duck.

It's Pink!

So.... what do you think of the new design? I'm still working out some of the kinks, but you get the gist. This is actually based on a design I came up with about a year ago but never used. Let me just say that it was a Huge Pain In The Butt to get my XHTML / CSS to cooperate with the blogger template. I think I finally got it right, though.

Oh, and if you happened to look here a just moment ago, you might have seen a black page with blue and red columns. Attractive color scheme, eh? I was testing some unruly CSS when my Internet connection died. Thanks, Roadrunner!

Anyway, everything should be all set now. At least it works in IE7 and Firefox. Does anyone reading this use a Mac? Mind telling me if it looks ok?

Pity Party

Well, damn. I seem to have developed a plugged duct, low-grade fever, and sore throat. I swear this has not been a lucky year in terms of health for my family. Between Abby's cranio surgery and associated issues, the case of mono I came down with a few months ago, and my mom's breast cancer, it would be nice to catch a break.

Biology Lesson

Abby's Grandmother "Nonny" and half-sister Madison came over for a visit this afternoon. Abby started to get fussy, and I thought she might be hungry. As I was getting ready to nurse her, Madison looked at me and in the most earnest voice announced, "I know how people milk babies."

Thank you Grammy!

I love my new book.

And now for something completely different...

Thought maybe it was time to lighten the mood around here.

A Little History, Pt. 2

It was only a few days after Abby was born that I noticed something odd about her head. There was a "ridge" on the top right side, near her forehead. She also had a crooked face, which I attributed to the fact that she had been firmly wedged up under my ribs for several months. I didn't really give it much more thought, believing that it would work itself out in a few weeks.

It didn't. At her 2 month well baby checkup, the doctor told me to make sure I didn't let her sleep on the same side every night. I followed the doctor's orders, but her head shape didn't get better. It was around this time that I started to notice that she had a distinct tilt. I thought it was her way of being cute and coy. She'd cock her head to the side and look at you with this sassy little expression.


At Abby's 4 month well baby checkup I voiced my concerns to the pediatrician, who referred us to a physical therapist for evaluation. At this point, I started to worry. Why isn't my baby perfect in every way? Did I do something wrong?

At our first therapy session, the PT confirmed that Abby had torticollis. This is basically just tightness in the neck, which causes babies to tilt their heads to the side. We were to go to therapy once a week and do stretching exercises at home. I wish it was that simple.

The therapist was concerned about Abby's skull and the way she seemed to favor her right eye. So off we go to UNC Children's Hospital in Chapel Hill. Now I really start to panic.

On May 22, we went to see a plastic / reconstructive surgeon at UNC. A surgeon - not at all who I wanted to be taking my beautiful 4 month old daughter to see. We drove up to Raleigh where we met up with my wonderful friend Jen. She really stepped up and helped out during a stressful time, and I am so lucky to her as a friend. She drove us from Raleigh to Chapel Hill, sat with us while we waited to see the surgeon, listened to the diagnosis, and was just so supportive throughout the whole day. Her instructions to me were, "Hold the baby; I'll take care of everything else." And she did.

The doctor examined Abby, who was surprisingly tolerant of the whole thing. The initial exam was brief. He measured her head, felt around her skull, took some pictures, and announced, "It looks like she has coronal craniosynostosis and will need surgery." At that point, I just kind of went numb. Surgery? Shit. He calmly and patiently explained what craniosynostosis is, but I really don't remember much of what he said at all. All I could think about was my baby girl's head being opened up. Thank God I had Jen there to be my ears.

We were sent down to radiology for some x-rays. I had to hold my baby while they strapped her to a table and forced her head between two foam-covered paddles. She screamed bloody murder. I can't say that I blame her. It was hard to watch. They had to redo several of the x-rays because she was squirming so much. Finally, that was done and we could go home. We scheduled a follow-up appointment and CT scan for June 14.

It is hard to get a good CT scan on a young baby without sedation. I received instructions in the mail: no food for 4 hours prior to the appointment; don't let the baby sleep on the way to the hospital. This was going to be a fantastic 3 hour drive to Chapel Hill.

Abby handled the sedation and CT scan very well. The scans took all of 30 seconds to complete, but she was down for the count for about an hour, thanks to the chloral hydrate. When she woke up she was NOT a happy baby. She was disoriented, hungry, and mad. I tried to comfort her as best I could, letting her nurse as long as she wanted, patting her on the back, singing, bouncing, walking, you name it. We took a very cranky Abby up to meet with the surgeon again and Abby's dad, Jen, and I asked lots of questions. The bottom line? Surgery.

After several weeks of increasingly irate phone calls to the OR scheduler at UNC, we set a date for Abby's surgery. September 21. Less than a month away.

She'll be in the hospital for 4-5 days, the first of which will be in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Once the swelling has gone down enough for her to open her eyes and she is eating somewhat normally, we will be allowed to go home. Recovery should be 2-3 weeks, after which time she will resume PT and hopefully get back to her normal routine.

I am terrified.

Happy Girl

A Little History, Pt. 1

I'm pretty sure anyone reading this blog already knows this, but I wanted to post it here so that I could look back and remember all the details. It's probably only interesting to me, but you know what? It's my blog. So there.

On December 27, 2006 I went for a routine prenatal appointment. At previous visits, I had been told that the baby was head down and ready to go; however, at this one my doctor noticed something odd as he prodded my belly. He immediately did an ultrasound and found that Abby was in the breech position. I don't know how long she'd been like that. I'd always felt kicks in the bladder (fun!), so I think she'd been that way for a while.

At any rate, he gave me the option to do what's called an external cephalic version (ECV), where they manually rotate the baby from the outside. It's painful and rarely works, so I opted not to do it. He also said I could just wait to go into labor and see what happened. That wasn't appealing to me at all, as I was living by myself with little support around. The thought of going into labor alone in the middle of the night terrified me. The final option was a scheduled c-section. I didn't love the idea of going through surgery, and part of me really wanted to experience childbirth (ha!), but I decided it was the best option for me. We scheduled the operation for one week later, January 3. Abby's original due date was the 14th, so we were going a bit early, but no big deal.

My parents came down on January 2. I was a nervous wreck. The morning of Abby's birth, my mom and I drove to the hospital in the dark. We got there at 5:30am, and everything just became a blur. Before I knew it, I was heading to the operating room.

They did the spinal, which really didn't hurt one bit. Once the anesthesia kicked in, I started feeling really.... weird. It was scary. I was alone - my mother couldn't be there for this part, and if it weren't for a really awesome nurse named Rachel, I think I might have lost it. I calmed down a bit, Mom came in, and the doctor made the first incision.

I was terrified. I'd done my research and talked to people who'd had c-sections, but nobody warned me about the smell. They cauterize the wound, and I have to say I was not prepared for the smell of burning flesh. I didn't have long to think about it, though, because suddenly there was a baby! Just like that! Plucked from my belly. I couldn't see or hear her, and those few seconds waiting for her to cry were endless. I remember saying over and over again, "Is she really a girl? Is it a girl!?" It was. Abigail Grace came into the world at 7:54am. She cried. I was relieved.


The anesthesia was giving me the shakes, but I wanted to hold my baby girl. The nurses were hesitant to give her to me, but I knew it would be fine. They put her in my arms and I looked into her eyes. It was the most incredible moment.

I held her for a few minutes while they stitched me up, then they took her away to weigh her and assess the Apgar scores (9/9). She was a little thing, only 5lbs, 10oz and 19.75 inches long. I didn't want to be away from her for even a minute, but they had to take her to the nursery for a bath and whatever else they do to newborn babies while I went to recovery. Mom went with Abby.

I spent a long hour in recovery, unable to move my legs. I couldn't wait to see Abby again. I was on some serious drugs, so the rest is a little hazy, but I do remember finally getting back to my hospital room. They brought a fresh, clean Abby in, and I immediately put her to my breast for the first time. It was amazing how she just knew what to do. She latched on like she'd been doing it forever, and I was in love.

I insisted on keeping Abby in the room with me at all times. I know some mothers opt to send their babies to the nursery so they can get some sleep, but I couldn't do it. She stayed with me almost 24/7 until we went home 2 days later (yeah, 2 days after major abdominal surgery). I was a little scared to go home. What if something happened? I had no "Call" button next to my bed. Without my mother there during those first few days, I don't know what I would have done.

Crying it out

It's amazing how your views change once you become a parent.

I never thought I would let Abby "cry it out" to go to sleep. I believed that it was cruel, that crying was a horrible way to fall asleep. I still would rather not have to let her cry herself to sleep, but after seven months of 4-5 non-consecutive hours of sleep a night, I broke. I caved.

And it is heaven.

Abigail now sleeps between 12-13 hours a night. Once she's down, she stays down (and I do hope to God I am not jinxing myself by saying this). We have a routine that works for us and I will go to great lengths not to break it. At 5:45, I take her into her room, close the shades, and turn on her lullaby CD . Then we lay down on the bed and I nurse her until she's almost asleep. I gently put her in her crib on her tummy, tell her I love her, and walk out.

At first it was really, really hard. She would cry for 15, 20, 30 minutes. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when your child is crying, all you want to do is go in and make it better. Every minute is heartbreaking. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true.

After about 4 days (4 days! ) the crying time went down to about 5 minutes. Now, she'll go down with only a little whimper.

Sleep deprivation can change your whole point of view. There were some days when I thought I just simply could not go on anymore. What had I gotten myself into? I began to doubt myself, thinking I was a terrible mother. What business did I have raising a baby?

Now that we're both sleeping more, we're so much happier. I've regained perspective, and am now able to enjoy Abby so much more. I think she's doing better, too. I feel much more equipped to deal with the stresses of having a baby with "issues," and ready to face the hurdles ahead. It took a few difficult nights of tearful bedtimes, but I don't regret it for a minute.

Sunday Morning Patch Time

The Wheels on the Bus.... do what?

I've been taking a "Mommy & Me" swimming class with Abby at the YMCA. It's fun; we practice different moves in the water, play with toys, and sing songs. One of the songs we sing every week is "The Wheels on the Bus." I'm pretty new at this whole Mommy thing, so I don't know the words to all these kids songs. I'm good with the first verse or two, then I wind up kind of lamely mouthing some words and watching all the super-mommies to try to catch up.

My ignorance was captured on video for all to enjoy.

Babyproofed

I got the carpets steam-cleaned today in an effort to ready the house for Abby's imminent crawling. With 2 dogs, I don't even want to think about how dirty the carpet was. She is ALMOST there, and it really frustrates her that she can't quite do it. In the meantime, she gets to where she wants to go by rolling all around. I swear, I put her down, turn my back for one second, and she's rolled halfway across the floor. I don't know if the world is ready for a mobile Abby.

Now I just need to put up my sword and knife collection, lock up my guns, move my collection of glass clown figurines to higher ground, and we'll be all set. Bring on the crawling!

Arrrr, matey

Abigail went to the eye doctor on Wednesday and got this sweet camo patch.


The vision in her left eye is much worse than the vision in her right eye (all related to the craniosynostosis/torticollis). In an attempt to strengthen the left eye, Abby has to wear a patch over the "good" eye for 4 hours a day.

I was prepared for the worst when I put the patch on for the first time, but to my surprise Abby took it like a champ. She looked around - rather startled for a little while - rubbed at the patch, and went on with her business.

Hello? Is this thing on???

Well, after almost 10 years of working as a web developer, I have decided to delve into the wonderful world of blogging. I created this blog to keep family and friends updated as Abby goes through her cranio surgery, recovery, and beyond. Welcome!